Cat whisperer

Jun 16, 2014

elwood tuxI am currently in the midst of planning an elaborate surprise party to celebrate the 11th birthday of my faithful and trusty sidekick, Elwood.

So when I overheard someone mention the term “cat whisperer” this week, it set off an involuntary internal analysis exploring the phrase for its rich comedic potential.

First, I considered what animals would be the most challenging with which to develop a “whisperer” type relationship.

These included: rattlesnake whisperer, snapping turtle whisperer and great white shark whisperer. Also: Komodo dragon whisperer, electric eel whisperer and, of course, Portuguese man o’ war whisperer.

Next I examined those that just struck me as sounding funny, such as vulture, skunk and wasp whisperer; or perhaps cockroach, porcupine and Tasmanian devil whisperer.

Of little surprise to those who know me, I quickly moved on to those that were mildly suggestive or vaguely naughty: woodpecker whisperer, sperm whale whisperer and ass whisperer (hey, I’m talking about donkeys here).

As the cat whisperer stream of consciousness continued, I pictured a stand-up comedian explaining: “Actually, I think I’m more of a cat shouter.” The imaginary comic would then scream, “Get down off the counter, Whiskers!” and “Stop clawing the carpet, you mangy bag of bones!”

Me, I never raise my voice to the little guy. That would violate a very important claws in our master-pet pre-nup.

Stay tuned for details on Elwood’s upcoming new book “Nine Habits of Highly Effective Felines,” his much-anticipated sequel to “The Human Whisperer.”

— John Breneman

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