Are you ready for the city of Portsmouth’s next great controversy? This one promises to be a real barn-burner.
It’s not a dispute about the mammoth buildings transforming the face of downtown, or about some windows getting changed without an OK from the window police.
And it’s not a fight over unsightly blights on our historic cityscape — such as the toxic heaps of rusty riverfront scrap metal.
Perhaps most shocking of all, Portsmouth’s internationally renowned parking shortage has nothing whatsoever to do with this latest hullabaloo.
However, the new brouhaha is loosely connected to the recent ruckus over whether erecting an old-timey skating rink at the Strawbery Banke Museum would serve as a magnet for hockey-playing ruffians, whom neighbors feared might drink beer and fill the South End air with bawdy language and f-bombs (“fiddlesticks”).
This latest squabble threatens to erupt as soon as Wednesday, when the Board of Adjustment is scheduled to hear a request for a variance that would be needed to erect a historically significant chicken coop on the grounds of Strawbery Banke.
Some observers say they haven’t heard a peep of protest. But already there are rumblings about a new civic group being formed (Citizens For a Chicken-less Future, or CFCF).
And there is word that advocates of the plan — the coop would replicate one kept near the Abbot Store by the Pecunies family in the 1940s — are already lobbying for future inclusion on the National Register of Historic Henhouses.
The biggest potential concerns, according to Planning Director Rick Taintor, are obvious — “noise and smells.”
But along with the anticipated squawking about decibel levels and the ghastly specter of fowl fecal matter, the proposal raises a wheelbarrow full of unanswered questions. And no, wise-acre, I don’t mean: Why did the chicken cross Marcy Street?
I mean serious questions like: Will they put all the eggs in one basket, or will multiple baskets be utilized?
And what about the impact on the local ant population? (Because you know those chickens are gonna want to get their beaks into some of that savory Strawbery Banke ant meat.)
If the BOA grants its approval, does that set a precedent under which the board would be compelled to issue variances for sheep, donkeys or pigs? (One reason I ask is that I live downtown and was thinking of getting a couple milk cows.)
Also, will the BOA indicate a preference toward a certain indigenous American breeds (for example, Rhode Island reds and Iowa blues) while frowning upon such foreign birds as the Chinese silkie, the South African ovambo or Egypt’s golden montazah)?
Col. Harlan Sanders and General Tso could not be reached for comment.
Now that I have thoroughly researched the matter, I have a few favorites (based solely on the colorfulness of their names, mind you). These include the Sicilian Buttercup, the Belgian Bearded d’Anvers and Transylvanian Naked Neck from Romania. Personally, I will be more inclined to favor this project if the coop is populated by at least one Iranian Manx Rumpy.
The specifications of the proposed structure will be equally critical.
Let me just say right up front that I’m going to have a real problem with anything over 65 feet tall.
I must also insist on a strict prohibition of any cock fighting on the premises — even if local promoters seek permission to host the world championship showdown between the Arkansas Razor-Beaks and the Green Bay Peckers.
In conclusion, I don’t know who hatched this idea, but there is reason to believe this chicken and egg conundrum will not go over easy at City Hall.
To keep the best interest of Portsmouth’s future at the forefront of their deliberations, I recommend that the Board of Adjustment take a hard-boiled approach to this variance request, which among abutters is bound to ruffle some feathers.
Because with proper municipal regulatory oversight, the proposed coop could be a historic coup for Strawbery Banke in its mission to connect our hearts and minds to a simpler time — perhaps even a farmyard feel-good story the entire community could crow about.
To learn more, please consider purchasing my new worst-seller, “Chicken Coop for the Soul.”
— John Breneman