Super Bowl Tom foolery

A Super Bowl super poll reveals that a super majority of U.S. super fans are super stoked for today’s supercharged juggernaut of supermodels, superstar athletes and super-sized commercials.


Advertising will play a key role in this year’s Bud Miller Ford Chevy Coke Pepsi Cheetos Doritos Viagra Cialis All-State Nationwide Super Bowl.


The annual avalanche of advertising excess provides a compelling side drama in which corporations shell out $5 million or more for 30-second spots urging you to buy trucks, beer, sex, snacks and insurance. Lots of other interesting stuff too.


Do you suffer from post-orgasmic stress disorder?
Restless hand syndrome? Adult onset celibacy?
Ask your doctor about Fornica!

Super Bowl Safety Tips

* Brought to you by the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Chicken Wings

To avoid sustaining an “NFL-style” concussion during the game: Do not “head butt” fellow fans, even after witnessing a particularly exciting “bootleg,” “flea flicker” or “Pick-6.”

If drinking alcoholic beverages, do not operate heavy machinery insider your house.

If you suffer a dislocated jaw while wolfing down fistfuls of Zesty Jalapeno Lima Bean Doritos, simply motion for a teammate to snap the lower jaw back into place – and resume eating.

Do not taunt less-informed fans by “explaining” such key NFL terms as “reverse crankshaft,” “9-man bluff” and “red turtle.”

If someone proposes a quick one-on-one game of “Smashmouth,” politely decline.